I thought about this many times.
Should I write it?
Should I stay silent until a clear result show up?
Should I wait for a good results and then brag about it?
I still dont know honestly.
It has been a long time that I dont want to put effort into anything. And I constantly think about the reasons behind it.
People said I better just focused and lived for myself, but it would hurt me if I choose myself when I know about pain of others.
People said all the effort would only be earned for me, but I do not have a strong connection to my "ego".
I felt like if I ignore the noise, ignore the struggle of others, I would not be connected to myself anymore. Because I loved people, but people hurted me. So I cant let them be too close, but cant not just go away from them either.
I felt reassured by the presence of companionship.
It can be the intimacy that I always long for.
It can be the kindness of people that I wanted to rely on as motivation.
But I also dont want people to be too close. Because of the mess that I currently am. Because of the mess that people currently are.
I hate people because they kept hurting me, kept leaving, kept being inconsistent.
I hate myself because I also hurted people out of my doubt, my thought, my incompetence that cannot be the ground for people around me to keep being kind.
It hurts when I want to try.
It hurts when I dont find myself an important reason if I should "try for myself".
It hurts when I kept being hurted by people, being ignored emotionally by people that I want to "try to make them happy".
It hurts when I saw people playing mind games with me, with each other for their own goodness.
Everything that I was made of, hurts me deeply.
I kept saying that I was made of the tiny parts of every people that I have met. But it seems like, the more people getting into my heart, the more my perception of "self" fades away.
It was like:\
- I care about people, then I let them sink into my heart.\
- But people hurt me, so I kept a safe distance from them, so it was also like I was keeping a safe distance from myself.
I wanted to live, because I thought I can make people happy when I resolve all these internal turbulence.
I also wanted to die, because I dont feel the care that people have for me, or their care just keep hurting me.
I was a paradox, stuck between 2 sides of everything.
But it turns out, everything just happens for a reason.
I saw people being happy, though they are still struggling with their own problem.
I saw people treating me nicely, though I could not bring joy to them yet.
I saw people putting faith in me, regardless of all the evidence, all the inconfidence of mine suggesting otherwise.
Suddenly, something felt clicked.
I felt it was no longer my mission to bring joy to lives of other.
I felt it was no longer a guilt to share my sadness, my overthinking.
I felt I stopped being judged because of my current defects.
I dont know if I am happier or not, but I feel a bit relieved.
It doesn't matter if my paper get accepted or not.
Thank you, laoshi.
Thank you, jiejie.